REST IN PEACE
April 14, 2019

HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE

When you do NOT ask what you want, you deny your own importance.

Sometimes we have to say no, but we can be afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings.

WHAT IS BEING ASSERTIVE?

CLEAR

OPEN

DIRECT

EQUAL

EMPATHETIC

HONEST

 

TYPES OF PEOPLE TO DEAL WITH:

AGGRESSIVE: standing for personal rights, expressing feelings, thoughts and beliefs often dishonest, inappropriate, it always violates the rights of the other person. It could be provoked out of IGNORANCE or frustration about something they don’t disclose.

PASSIVE: you are their door mat. Lettings others run you. Would be helpers would lose patience and contact with you if you don’t stand up for yourself.

MANIPULATIVE: it arises from low self esteem. It stems from fear of exposure, safer to control and manipulate than face confrontation and risk being rejected. They deceive themselves and others. They are in denial.

 

YOU KNOW YOU ARE ASSERTIVE WHEN YOU:

– Have genuine respect for others

– Don’t feel the need to win putting others down

– Take responsibility for our choices and behaviour

– Accept our positive and negative personal characteristics

– Acknowledge our needs and ask openly and directly

– We accept being rejected, as we don’t seek validation

– We can set limits 

– Give yourself credit for what we understand and feel

 

With your partner, friends, manager, colleagues or any supervisory relationship, we HAVE the right to:

1. State our needs and priorities

2. Be treated with respect

3. Express our feelings

4. Express our opinions and values

5. Say yes or no for myself

6. Make mistakes

7. Change my mind

8. Say I don’t understand and ask for more information

9. Ask for what I want

10. Decline responsibility for other people’s problems

11. Deal with others without needing their approval

 

LEVELS OF ASSERTIVENESS:

No problem in exercising it

I sometimes have to think about it

Only when it matters

Do not exercise this right

 

TOUCH BASE:

How do I feel about this situation?

What do you feel in your body?

What are my feelings?

Accept your feelings can be valid.

Our responsibility is how we act on our feelings.

Sharing can enrich our communications.

Express yourself.

 

 

YOU KNOW YOU ARE REPRESSED WHEN:

You think anger is ugly and degrading

You are not sure what makes you angry exactly

You don’t express your anger (in a safe manner)

You don’t share your anger

Your body does not feel right

You bury the anger hoping it will pass

 

HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE:

Be specific, go straight to the point.

Repeat your answer and don’t bite to irrelevant logic or argumentative bait.

Acknowledge their point of view

Workable compromise

Take responsibility and set limitations, but do not say I can’t

Ask for clarification and or time

State your needs, do not feel guilty

 

DEALING WITH REQUESTS

Notice your immediate reaction

Say no firmly

Keep it sweet and short

Use self disclosure if needed be

Give a reason if you want to, no lies

Don’t over apologise

Change topic or move away

Repeat refusal

Use self disclosure

 

IF UNSURE

Take your time to think

Ask for more information

State limitations

Compromise if needed

 

ASSERTIVENESS IN MEETINGS

Be brief

Avoid interruptions

Show an assertive body language: volume, tone of voice, eye contact, posture

Time it right

See or get a reaction

Change your mind if you have to

If not falling with the majority, make your disagreement known

 

TIPS:

Remember your role models

Think about positive affirmations 

Slow down

Smile

Check your tone of voice

Posture

Give them the eye! (eye contact)

Dress well

No fidgeting

Wing it

 

ANGER

We prefer a rational and intellectual mode of behaviour, to be in control of ourselves.

We learnt to ignore our emotional intelligence in favour of reason and logicality.

Anger is considered ugly, degrading, dark, sinister and threatening. We control it and encourage others to do the same.

ROOT ANGER:

– It improves courage to learn new skills

– It pushes you to express yourself in writing, singing, painting, etc.

– It can push you into a fulfilling career

Because of it, you can survive crises, disasters and illness.

It taps into our natural life force. It is a source of energy and determination. It helps us to find and be ourselves, regardless of obstacles. It helps us feel and act powerfully and assertively. It is a source of creativity.

 

IT’S OK TO BE ANGRY AS WE FEEL:

Hurt.

Our rights are being violated.

Our needs and wants are not adequately met.

Something is not right.

Not addressing an important emotional issue.

Too much is being compromised (self, beliefs, values, desires, ambitions)

Doing or giving more than we are comfortable with

The pain of our anger preserves the very integrity of our self.

It can motivate us to say no to others and say yes to our inner self.

 

HOW TO HANDLE CRITICISM

Do not react immediately

Asses why they are saying that

IF TRUE

Agree, use self disclosure

PARTLY TRUE

Agree and assert yourself

UNTRUE

Disagree

TIPS:

Can you be more specific?

What have I done to make you think that?

Why did you say that to me?


WORK ON THIS

WE ARE ALWAYS IN A LEARNING STAGE

UNCONSCIOUS INCOMPETENCE – We are oblivious at first

CONSCIOUS INCOMPETENCE – We become aware

CONSCIOUS COMPETENCE – We have knowledge

UNCONSCIOUS COMPETENCE – We become efficient effortlessly

 

WATER THE FOLLOWING..

Connection

Recognition of others

Trust

Self responsibility

Self confidence

Positive self affirming beliefs

Security

Empowering of self

Strength

Open communication

Feeling open to possibilities

 

POSSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS:

I have prepared really well

I listen well and give myself time to think

I’ll handle it

Replace ‘I should’ for ‘In future I could’

Recognise what you did well

 

LIST 10 GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF

LIST 10 BAD THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF

 

BUILD SELF ESTEEM

What natural feature of your body do you particularly like?

What do you do better than most?

What skills are you proud to have developed?

What’s the hardest thing you accomplished in your life?

What do you like about your personality?

What are you most proud of in your life?

HOW TO READ THEIR BODY LANGUAGE

1. Their proximity

2. Face and eyes

3. Hand gestures

4. Arm and feet

5. Mirroring, if you don’t know what to do, see what they do.