When you do NOT ask what you want, you deny your own importance.
Sometimes we have to say no, but we can be afraid of hurting the other person’s feelings.
WHAT IS BEING ASSERTIVE?
TYPES OF PEOPLE TO DEAL WITH:
AGGRESSIVE: standing for personal rights, expressing feelings, thoughts and beliefs often dishonest, inappropriate, it always violates the rights of the other person. It could be provoked out of IGNORANCE or frustration about something they don’t disclose.
PASSIVE: you are their door mat. Lettings others run you. Would be helpers would lose patience and contact with you if you don’t stand up for yourself.
MANIPULATIVE: it arises from low self esteem. It stems from fear of exposure, safer to control and manipulate than face confrontation and risk being rejected. They deceive themselves and others. They are in denial.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE ASSERTIVE WHEN YOU:
– Have genuine respect for others
– Don’t feel the need to win putting others down
– Take responsibility for our choices and behaviour
– Accept our positive and negative personal characteristics
– Acknowledge our needs and ask openly and directly
– We accept being rejected, as we don’t seek validation
– We can set limits
– Give yourself credit for what we understand and feel
With your partner, friends, manager, colleagues or any supervisory relationship, we HAVE the right to:
1. State our needs and priorities
2. Be treated with respect
3. Express our feelings
4. Express our opinions and values
5. Say yes or no for myself
6. Make mistakes
7. Change my mind
8. Say I don’t understand and ask for more information
9. Ask for what I want
10. Decline responsibility for other people’s problems
11. Deal with others without needing their approval
LEVELS OF ASSERTIVENESS:
No problem in exercising it
I sometimes have to think about it
Only when it matters
Do not exercise this right
How do I feel about this situation?
What do you feel in your body?
What are my feelings?
Accept your feelings can be valid.
Our responsibility is how we act on our feelings.
Sharing can enrich our communications.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE REPRESSED WHEN:
You think anger is ugly and degrading
You are not sure what makes you angry exactly
You don’t express your anger (in a safe manner)
You don’t share your anger
Your body does not feel right
You bury the anger hoping it will pass
HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE:
Be specific, go straight to the point.
Repeat your answer and don’t bite to irrelevant logic or argumentative bait.
Acknowledge their point of view
Take responsibility and set limitations, but do not say I can’t
Ask for clarification and or time
State your needs, do not feel guilty
DEALING WITH REQUESTS
Notice your immediate reaction
Say no firmly
Keep it sweet and short
Use self disclosure if needed be
Give a reason if you want to, no lies
Don’t over apologise
Change topic or move away
Use self disclosure
Take your time to think
Ask for more information
Compromise if needed
ASSERTIVENESS IN MEETINGS
Show an assertive body language: volume, tone of voice, eye contact, posture
Time it right
See or get a reaction
Change your mind if you have to
If not falling with the majority, make your disagreement known
Remember your role models
Think about positive affirmations
Check your tone of voice
Give them the eye! (eye contact)
We prefer a rational and intellectual mode of behaviour, to be in control of ourselves.
We learnt to ignore our emotional intelligence in favour of reason and logicality.
Anger is considered ugly, degrading, dark, sinister and threatening. We control it and encourage others to do the same.
– It improves courage to learn new skills
– It pushes you to express yourself in writing, singing, painting, etc.
– It can push you into a fulfilling career
Because of it, you can survive crises, disasters and illness.
It taps into our natural life force. It is a source of energy and determination. It helps us to find and be ourselves, regardless of obstacles. It helps us feel and act powerfully and assertively. It is a source of creativity.
IT’S OK TO BE ANGRY AS WE FEEL:
Our rights are being violated.
Our needs and wants are not adequately met.
Something is not right.
Not addressing an important emotional issue.
Too much is being compromised (self, beliefs, values, desires, ambitions)
Doing or giving more than we are comfortable with
The pain of our anger preserves the very integrity of our self.
It can motivate us to say no to others and say yes to our inner self.
HOW TO HANDLE CRITICISM
Do not react immediately
Asses why they are saying that
Agree, use self disclosure
Agree and assert yourself
Can you be more specific?
What have I done to make you think that?
Why did you say that to me?
WE ARE ALWAYS IN A LEARNING STAGE
UNCONSCIOUS INCOMPETENCE – We are oblivious at first
CONSCIOUS INCOMPETENCE – We become aware
CONSCIOUS COMPETENCE – We have knowledge
UNCONSCIOUS COMPETENCE – We become efficient effortlessly
WATER THE FOLLOWING..
Recognition of others
Positive self affirming beliefs
Empowering of self
Feeling open to possibilities
I have prepared really well
I listen well and give myself time to think
I’ll handle it
Replace ‘I should’ for ‘In future I could’
Recognise what you did well
LIST 10 GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF
LIST 10 BAD THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF
BUILD SELF ESTEEM
What natural feature of your body do you particularly like?
What do you do better than most?
What skills are you proud to have developed?
What’s the hardest thing you accomplished in your life?
What do you like about your personality?
What are you most proud of in your life?
HOW TO READ THEIR BODY LANGUAGE
1. Their proximity
2. Face and eyes
3. Hand gestures
4. Arm and feet
5. Mirroring, if you don’t know what to do, see what they do.