March 16, 2019
May 6, 2019

The biggest mistake I did in life, was turning my brother away for dinner.

We were going to spend the weekend away soon. He wanted to talk.

Him: See you at dinner.
Me: Ok.
Him: Not coming.
Me: Ok.
Him: I’m here.
Me: I’m going with mum, join us (he wouldn’t) – discussion.
Him: I drove 1h to see you.
Me: Ok I’ll come with you.

Too late. He felt rejected.

That was the last time I saw him. He cancelled our weekend.

He died in a very horrific way.

My stupid pride.

I regret standing up for mum, I should have gone with him. We would have spent the weekend together. ‘They found your brother’s car’.

My brain held onto the hope he’d show up alive. That night I dreamt he said he had ‘amnesia’, that’s why he couldn’t get back to us. Only it was a dream. I realised it was true. He was gone.

Everyone knew he had a softspot for me. He spent many nights telling me how much he missed his ex. I gave him lots of tips, despite being a teenager like if I had a built-in therapy book.

He told me to give my best at work. Everyone else will fail us.

We drifted apart a few times because of his ego, but he’d always end up wanting to talk to me. He felt him and me were completely ignored by mum, which was true.

I wrote him a letter on my typewriter years ago, I forgot about it.

When he died, his partner gave it to me and I crumbled.

All the things I thought I never said to him, I did. He never acknowledged them. He just read them and he never said a word about it.

I regret not giving him my Edinburgh jumper. Or not buying him what he wanted for his flat, or a jumper I knew he’d love.

He left angry feeling lonely.

I will try better with those that are alive.

When my brothers got married, they each played one of his songs and it caught me off guard. I crumbled again.

He liked ‘New Year’ s Day’ song by U2. I guess he felt the lyrics were a true reflection of his never ending love for his ex. He didn’t speak English but he felt the vibe.

For me, that song is a statement for him.

I wrote this in 2007:

“I no longer fear death

When I die

I will find him

I will tell him not to ever leave me again”

Song ‘Con te partiro’ by Andrea Bocelli & Sarah Brightman

#rip #iamsorry #thankyou #iloveyou