YOGA
July 11, 2017
MY LIFE CHANGING TRIP
June 24, 2018

HEARTBREAK

My Indian guru (Sri Sri Ravi Shankar) says in true love, there is no heartbreak.

A broken heart means broken demands, broken expectations, and broken hopes.

Love is unconditional.

I guess he is right.

You don’t care who she is with, as long as she is looked after. Her happiness is more important for you.

I guess if we didn’t have an ego, we would admit we are not good enough for them at this moment in time. 

Perhaps they are not even good enough for us either, but we despair at the thought of not “having” them.

Some of my female friends were stalked by their ex boyfriends.

This is their defense mechanism kicking in ‘I don’t want you to think you can walk over me, you will regret leaving me’.

They probably don’t even love the person that much, it’s just their ego that is hurting.

Most of the times we see it coming. We choose to ignore the red flags.

They become more distant. They come later, they talk less, they want you less. Your ego will justify their behaviour with stress, tiredness, etc.

There is not much one can do to stop hurting, but learn from it.

When my ex left me, I went on holidays and I did a TEFL course to keep my mind off her. I knew it was the wrong relationship, and it was pointless trying to think about it.

Someone else WILL come along sooner or later.

What about death? We can only go through the pain, and thank Universe for the time you had. Write down those feelings. Release them safely. We must not bottle them. Cherish valuable time.


BAD BREAK UP

I had a second meltdown, because of my ex, and many other things that tipped me over the edge.

The first time that I had a meltdown was 2 years ago, and that was a completely different scenario, I had no resilience, nowhere to live stable, no internet, no phone to even ring mum, loss of friend, partner and stress at work and a place to buy that was just taking too long with all my things in storage. You can read all about it here in “Thing I wished I knew before I attempted to buy a flat in England”.

I count myself lucky that I really don’t experience anxiety, only in 3 extreme cases where I felt under pressure.

This last time I had the strongest anxiety attack I ever had. I have been fighting thoughts of revenge, and decided to instead post all the pictures that I adore in Instagram. I had the biggest realisation ever this morning.

My ex girlfriend and me spent a year together, and I was always amazed she was never angry with me. She claimed to have awaken spiritually. Only once she had a go at me as I was acting too much with my ego.

She read this particular book “Living in the light” by Shakti Gawain that mentions “WHEN YOU STOP GIVING YOUR POWER AWAY TO OTHER PEOPLE YOU WON’T FEEL ANGRY ANY MORE. ANGER IS A DEFENSE MECHANISM TO AVOID BEING VULNERABLE”.  And so she knows how to control her anger very well.

We both knew the relationship wasn’t working so it was no surprise when she left me.

She wanted to be friends when she left me, and I said I wasn’t ready as I still want to be with her despite knowing we don’t work well as a couple.

We didn’t speak for a month. I had a mini meltdown with mum, and I emailed my ex as only she could understand how I felt. In one of the sentences I mentioned how I missed her cuddles. My ex wanted to meet me, and we spoke for hours and I felt glad I could count on her to understand me despite her not wanting anything else other than friendship.

When I left her at home, she asked if we were friends now, and I said I wasn’t ready just yet, and that she was “too demanding” as a joke. She didn’t really want to cuddle me too much which I understood.

She took it personally, and said I was the one arranging things. I didn’t want to get into detail and I left it there.

I texted her next day to say “thank you and that I was really really glad I met her”.

I asked her what were the things I should remember? Get rid of my ego, etc etc?

She replied “I will remind you when we become friends”. And then the detonating bomb.

She knew this guy from clubbing, Ryan, who became homeless.

She took it as a mission to offer him her bathroom so he could tidy himself up that day.

That I understand. Only she said in the end, “I am giving him a bath with cuddles”.

I went mental. I was at work, and I texted her, “F* amazing, you are rubbing it off, I lost respect for you with this f* bath cuddles comment. You made me furious ffs, thank you”.

She is an old dog, I always said that and she knows that. She knew it would push my buttons. Why, from all people, she who claims to be spiritual, felt the need to make me jealous when I explicitly said, I am not ready to be just friends yet as I obviously have feelings for her.

She played the fool card, saying she didn’t understand why I was angry.

I said “You clearly don’t respect me, goodbye, I will not let you hurt me again”.

Ex girlfriend: “You do make me laugh, I will pray for you, you need a lot of help. Good luck”.

Me: “I have never belittled you, but you want to first laugh at me, rub it off, then feel superior and arrogant saying that, nothing spiritual about that. No point talking you still have ego”.

Ex girlfriend:  She claimed she was in shock that I reacted this way. My ass shocked.

Next day

I had a letter about something that I am disputing, and I was quite tearful in the office I guess because of how mean my ex was to me mostly and all the losses I experienced.

My manager was concerned, so I had a long 40 minutes chat with him, he knew I wasn’t feeling very happy for the last few weeks due to several issues. I even felt stupid to have cried, I felt much better and all I wanted to do was to finish the shift, have a 3 day weekend, then in 2 more weeks I’d be on holidays for 2 weeks by the sun with my family.

Ex girlfriend: she texted to see if I was still pissed off, and claimed that the full moon is affecting us blablabla.

Me: I said “Children don’t lie show your daughters our texts and you will know why I am mad at you”. At this point I asked her no to text me whilst at work as it was affecting me too much.

Ex girlfriend: “Ok no problem. I was trying to help you here. I won’t text you again”.

At this moment, anxiety took over me, I felt this overpowering sickening feeling. I had 2 more breaks to take and an hour meeting, the day should be finished quite quickly, hang in there, I thought.

I had to give up, my body was having the fight or flight reaction, I was overwhelmed and I had to go home at 1pm rather than 6.

I had to lay on my tummy in bed, I stayed there for hours without being able to eat.

As I was thinking why would she want to hurt me, I thought perhaps with her dyslexia she meant to say “bath with candles”.

I wanted to ring her to clarify, she didn’t pick up, so I texted her.

Me: “I need clarification with something, I’m home because I feel physically sick wanting to throw and with migraine. Let me know when I can call you”.

Ex girlfriend: “Your problems don’t interest me anymore, so please pretend like you never knew me.”

Me: “Please I need to know something as not sure if you dyslexia confused me.”

We never spoke after this, she refused to talk to me.

I was meant to meet my good friend at 6.30 that evening, he is the one that keeps me sane as we are doing a project together which I am very keen on.

I rung him to ask if he could come to me, as I felt too sick to drive but I needed his company.

I said I’d pick him up in the station as I’d walk, he said I shouldn’t walk, I thought he was exaggerating but I agreed.

As luck would have it he just passed my train station but he kindly took the train back and walked to me.

In the meantime I felt so sick I had to throw up the breakfast from the morning and all the water I drunk, good thing I didn’t walk!

I was relieved after throwing up and having my friend around, and the anxiety went away.

My friend made me feel so much better, he hugged me and listened to me and said I shouldn’t take things so seriously, he thought if it was cuddles he wouldn’t feel jealous, he would if there was sex involved.

The doctor signed me off for a week, I thought I’d be upset to miss out on the commission I get from work, but I actually felt very happy to have free time.

I felt I was destroyed and a failure. I tried to build resilience for nearly 2 years, to be strong, so I won’t crumble, but I did anyway. How did this happen?

I wasn’t expecting her to want to hurt me, it caught me off guard.

Later on I read elsewhere “THE CAPTAIN OF A SHIP CAN RUN A GREAT SHIP, BUT HE CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THE TIDES. MATTHEW NORMAN”.

That made a lot of sense, there was nothing I could have done, I could have the strongest mind, and strongest body, but my heart was the one that felt hurt and there was nothing that I could do at the time.

Perhaps I could have rung her to clarify, I shouldn’t have been too fast to answer, but I think she had the effect she wanted. She wanted to push my buttons. Like an earthquake set to destroy you. No protection could have saved me.

The way I judge if I can forgive someone is:

1. Have they done this on purpose to hurt me?

2. Will they do it again?

With my ex girlfriend, I could see both statements were true so I could not forgive her.

I went to see a couple that I know of, they never understood me being gay. It’s a phase they think, despite knowing me for 10 years.

They are very Catholic, and when I showed them the texts, they said I was very rude and I should apologise.

I left them and I was very confused, did I have the right to be angry or have I overreacted?

I had to ring the free 24 hours counsellor line that work make available for us, it is extremely helpful in our dark times..

The counsellor immediately agreed with me “why would she say that, to make you feel jealous”? “She didn’t respect your grieving time, because you experienced a loss”. And I felt so relieved.

“Am I going mad?” I asked her.

“No you are not, you know what your feelings are, and your friends don’t necessarily understand you nor have the right advice either. You did the right thing, ask a professional that is unbiased.“

I hung up happy, and looking for a meme online to express how right I was, I found a “the counsellor said it was society’s fault, not me” picture.

Mmmm? Does that mean counsellors get paid to agree with you so you won’t lose your shit again? That left me wondering..

Nearly 2 weeks after our argument, I was at night trying to fall asleep, and my heart was shouting REVENGE.

I could destroy her emotionally and physically, humiliate her in so many ways. I have her email password, which would give me access to her Facebook, I could delete her pictures, profile, post our conversation, I could cancel her direct debits so she’d get in debt and pay higher rates, I could force her to pay more for bills and there would be nothing she could do to avoid the increase. I saw she blocked and unfollowed me in Instagram, I could easily log in, like all my pictures just for fun and delete all of her pictures if I wanted to. It surprised me that she allowed me to know her password, she wasn’t scared even though I said she shouldn’t.

Somehow my gut feeling has been telling me NO. Don’t do it. Why? Why not? She slapped me so I should be slapping her back. I will teach her not to mess with me. Only I’d get in trouble and I don’t want to ruin my life for anybody.

The revenge feeling was stronger, and I rung the counsellor again. How do I stop feeling that? I don’t want to act on it. How do I push these feelings away? It is normal to feel this way she said. I remember a previous counsellor for a different meltdown said “What would that achieve”.

I decided to employ my time in positive things.

In general I am a very positive person, and I am very kind and give my time and love to people very easily. My ex said I give too much and people don’t respect that. I can see that is true and why people abused my generosity.

With my previous experience I knew I had to work on building more resilience and do things that made me happy.

I went to an extra Zumba class, the only good thing that has ever happened to me this year as the music and moves are incredibly amazing, it keeps me buzzing for days!

I also spent my time posting pictures on Instagram, things that I always wanted to share but didn’t have time to do as I keep myself busy with many things, all the flowers, sunsets, animals, that I have been through in the last 2 years.

I received a lot of love from Instagram and also a lot of fake followers that follow and unfollow you back (honestly how silly is that).

My landlord came back from holidays (thank God I was home alone!) and I explained what I have been through these last 2 weeks, at some point I regretted telling him everything, thinking perhaps he might not feel comfortable living with someone so unstable.

It was only this morning, I realised something (and I told him so I no longer feel scared 🙂

I remembered the sentence “LIFE WILL KEEP BRINGING YOU THE SAME TEST OVER AND OVER UNTIL YOU PASS IT”.

What if, my test is I should not let my ego rule me? What if I should let her off, not seek revenge, and LET GO like every single inspirational quote says?

And then I thought about my first ex girlfriend. I was mad at her that she said she’d contribute towards my scooter she was using, but she didn’t.

I forced her to give me some money by not giving her money back from another thing.

She was furious, and also heart broken that I decided to leave her after 5 years.

I didn’t want her to be stingy with me, so I forced the situation so I’d get my money back. It was just £50, a contribution could have been anything considering servicing it was £200.

I won that battle, I felt I had to win by framing her.

Do you know what happened 3 years later?

If you read the “Thing I wished I knew before I attempted to buy a flat in England” article, you’ll see I went through hell. I had to give up all my cheap furniture and belongings, lots of clothes. Universe made me lose over £4000 trying to buy a flat which didn’t end up being mine because the vendor pulled out on me after 8 months. I couldn’t keep all my things as I realised it was costing me money in storage and there was not a sign that I’d be able to buy anytime soon. Specially not after Brexit even. I had to let go and accept that I didn’t need those things anyway. Because of this I became a minimalist.

Was there any point hurting my ex more than I already hurt her, for the sake of £50?

If I let go there and then, life wouldn’t have punished me afterwards.

Can you imagine what punishment Universe would bring me if I destroy my latest ex girlfriend?

I will get a girlfriend that will hurt me even more.

That Karma thing, is really dangerous indeed.

Every morning when I read the news, I wonder why Trump and North Korea’s leader are fighting each other, why can’t they just make peace?

Well, am I any different when I was about to start a revenge war with my latest ex girlfriend?

Law of attraction, give revenge, and you will get revenge back, not necessarily from the same person.

I realised I should certainly let go of my ego, let go of the need to win, let go of the belief to prove her wrong, to make her think to regret to have ever met me.

I know she is actually hurt that I refuse to be her friend, as we get along so well and do so many things.

It’s just that as a relationship we don’t work so well and it’s my ego that feels rejected and wants to be loved by her.

Perhaps she has a secret agenda that she has lost her taxi driver and secretary/slave that did all the chores she didn’t enjoy doing herself. (I know she wanted me to help her set up a business online even though she never asked for it).

I can tell you that in one of the terrorist attacks anyone around me could have easily been hurt and that was luckily not the case. A few friends asked me if I was ok but my ex couldn’t give a damn.

Either way, nobody hurts you unless they are hurting themselves.

As I am typing this, I feel my heart is aching, anxiety is wandering around but I know it will go away, I am finding peace with myself.

Today is the day that I kill one part of my ego.

Bloody hell, I just realised that I should send a cheque for £50 to my first ex girlfriend.. and an apology letter. I just hope it won’t backfire! Hopefully I will bring peace back to her heart.

My latest ex girlfriend always said “I met you for a reason”, she didn’t know why as we are quite different yet similar in other things. I think her mission was to teach me to eat my ego out, and her lesson should be to stop relying on other people to help her do the things she does not like to do. (e.g. she should set up the website herself). Or time will tell.

All this time I thought I was taming her. She used to dance and drink every weekend even though she was 49 years old already. I made her read the “I rule your life, prove me wrong” post that I wrote last year, and it made her reduce the alcohol consumption almost immediately. She also started feeling silly going out like if she was a teenager. It turns out she has the biggest balls, allowing me to have all her passwords. She certainly tamed me. I had no choice but to let go.

“Every experience, no matter how bad it seems, holds within it a blessing of some kind, the goal is to find it”. Buddha

By the way, my Zumba teacher is amazing, and she played this (strangely enough) Salsa version of “Lost on you” in Spanglish. They kindly offer on their YouTube’s video a direct link to download it Link to Dropbox’s wav audio file

The original is sung in English by LP, and I keep playing both versions on repeat, specially the original’s LP as it is very heartbreaking and it expresses how I am feeling about losing everything and everyone… see below for both videos and lyrics! 🙂

Feel free to comment which version you liked the most and why, or whether you also overcame revenge feelings or if this helped you in any way.

 

Lost on you lyrics (Spanglish version) by Los Cubaneros 

Tengo recuerdos, siento, sueño
Es ver de nuevo, todo a mi alrededor
Tanto que hicimos y todo lo que hemos vivido
Sabes fue cosa de dos
Que lo se yo
So smoke ’em if you got ’em’Cause it’s going down
Todo lo que quiero eres tu
I never get to heaven’Cause I don’t know how
Quedate, brindemos ,
por todo lo que tienes tu oh
Todo lo que eres tu oh
Dime todo lo que quieras tu oh
Todo lo que me das tu
Lo que tienes tu
Oh oh oh..
Baby lost on you
Oh ohoh…
Baby lost on you
Como regresar aquellos tiempos,
se que no es fácil yo lo entiendo de verdad
No quiero rechazos, quiero abrazos
Se que no es cierto ,yo lo hago de verdad
Déjate llevar
So smoke ’em if you got ’em’Cause it’s going down
Todo lo que quiero eres tu
‘ll never get to heaven’Cause I don’t know how
Quedate , brindemos
Por todo lo que tienes tu oh
Todo lo que eres oh
Dime todo lo que quieras tu oh
Todo lo que me das tu
Lo que tienes tu
Oh oh oh..
Baby loston you
Oh ohoh…
Baby lost on you
Coro
(Las noches que vivimos is that lost on you , lost on you)
Las noches que viví contigo, deja vivirlas , deja sentirlas
(Las noches que vivimos is that lost on you , lost on you)
Dejate vivir, dejate sentir ,deja que el tiempo se apiade de ti
(Las noches que vivimos is that lost on you , lost on you)
Quedate junto a mi, quedate
Las noches que vivimos is that lost on you
Quedate , brindemos
por todo lo que tienes tu oh
Todo lo que eres tu oh
Dime todo lo que quieras tu oh
Todo lo que me das tu
Lo que tienes tu
Oh oh oh..
Baby lost on you
Oh ohoh…
Baby lost on you

Lost on you lyrics by LP – Original version

When you get older, plainer, saner
Will you remember all the danger
We came from?
Burning like embers, falling, tender
Longing for the days of no surrender
Years ago
And will you know

[Pre-Chorus]

So smoke’em if you got’em

Cause it’s going down

All I ever wanted was you
I’ll never get to heaven
Cause I don’t know how

[Chorus]
Let’s raise a glass
Or two
To all the things I’ve lost on you
Ho, ooh
Tell me are they lost on you?
Ooh, oh
Just that you could cut me loose
Ho, ooh
After everything I’ve lost on you
Is that lost on you?
Hoooooh
Ooh, oh
Hoooooh
Is that lost on you?
Hoooooh
Ooh, oh
Baby, is that lost on you?
Is that lost on you?

 

 

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