– Have they done it on purpose to hurt you?
– Would they do it again?
If the answer is yes for both, either talk and fix it, or walk away.
Bear in mind, if someone hurts you, it’s because:
DEFINITION: Anger is a CRY FOR LOVE, and a defence mechanism that we have to show that we are not vulnerable.
REASON WHY: we are trying desperately to express our feelings, deep inside we are hurting. We don’t want them to think that they can walk all over us, so we show our claws.
THE REAL CAUSE OF ANGER: People is often angry for the things that they do not dare to say. Think what your frustration might be that you are not telling them.
You will stop being angry the minute you stop giving power away to people.
GIVING AWAY POWER TO PEOPLE: You should be independent and not rely on other people. If you rent, you are at the landlords/agencies/flatmate’s mercy.
SELFISH BEHAVIOURS: other people’s actions might upset you. What can you do to take the power away from them? If you can, change it, otherwise, accept it or leave it.
DANGEROUS soul damaging WEAPON YOU MUST AVOID: Our ego. Ego drives us to want to be the winner of a relationship/situation and the consequences can be irreversible.
Look at another person’s behaviour towards you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves. It is not a statement about your value as a person. With time you will cease to react at all.
How to overcome it: let it cool down, release it in healthy ways, e.g. physical exercise, meditation, a good scream in a safe place.
BEWARE: If you do not release your anger in a safe manner, it will blow in the wrong places! Also anger is stored in our upper back, causing us back pain.
THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE:
– Those who blame OTHERS.
– Those who blame THEMSELVES.
HOLD THE GLASS CHALLENGE (ANGER)
How heavy is a glass of water?
Half a litre.
How heavy is it after holding it for days?
How heavy is it after holding it for months?
How heavy is it after holding it for years?
THE SAME WITH ANGER!
We have 2 styles of speaking to people
1. Nurturing parent
2. Critical parent
When the critical parent is used, we have 2 ways to respond:
1. Adult way – this triggers an adult answer back
2. Rebellious child way
When we use our rebellious way, we in turn provoke their rebellious child to come down, so we are 2 screaming kids getting nowhere. ‘Leave the child at home’
This was taught to me by a counsellor when I had a meltdown in 2015.
When you see a rebellious child behaviour, let the adult in you answer.
We prefer a rational and intellectual mode of behaviour, to be in control of ourselves.
We learnt to ignore our emotional intelligence in favour of reason and logicality.
Anger is considered ugly, degrading, dark, sinister and threatening. We control it and encourage others to do the same.
– It improves courage to learn new skills
– It pushes you to express yourself in writing, singing, painting, etc.
– It can push you into a fulfilling career
Because of it, you can survive crises, disasters and illness.
It taps into our natural life force. It is a source of energy and determination. It helps us to find and be ourselves, regardless of obstacles. It helps us feel and act powerfully and assertively. It is a source of creativity.
IT’S OK TO BE ANGRY AS WE FEEL:
Our rights are being violated.
Our needs and wants are not adequately met.
Something is not right.
Not addressing an important emotional issue.
Too much is being compromised (self, beliefs, values, desires, ambitions)
Doing or giving more than we are comfortable with
The pain of our anger preserves the very integrity of our self.
It can motivate us to say no to others and say yes to our inner self.
I deleted Facebook as I did not want to hear or see anything from my ex back in 2013.
As luck would have it, a common friend situation, a page I had to set up for this website.. kaboom! There was a picture of my ex with a tattoo?? Facebook is so generous that when I clicked on the picture, it even allowed me to see the bigger picture behind the small profile, which was a picture of my ex laughing with a girl. A bullet would probably hurt less. I went to bed disturbed.
Once the “guru” we follow said that the best way to get out of depression is to do some service. Be in charge of something, someone, help… focus on something else.
My project on hold was this website, and despite the tennis elbow pain, with magic friends around, I am pushing it forward. But that picture oh that was a killer.
Of course I had a dream about my ex that night.
What really helped me is to know that I was going to meditation the following morning with my yogi friends. I went early, and I found the last parking space. Hooray! I saw the teacher go in, and when I was ready to enter the room, she asked me if I could give away my parking space, park somewhere uphill as this lady was fragile with diabetes. I was gobsmacked.
What was the point of waking up early? Why didn’t she wake up early? I moved my car away, but you could see in my face I was forced to do so. Why am I so angry? Usually I don’t mind helping out. It seemed like a bit too much to ask to move my car. I was tempted to quit meditation. I controlled my temper fairly well.
They thanked me ever so much. In my mind I had “don’t ever ask me to do it again”. I never met those ladies before. Then the teacher showed some diplomacy by asking how I was in general. Well not that well actually, seeing my ex with another girl in a Facebook picture accidentally. One of the ladies offered a hug and said “He will be back”, only I knew it wasn’t true. I held onto her like she was my mum. A few tears fell, I felt so much happier, and the anger of the situation with the ladies was long gone. I was planning to park elsewhere next time so I am not bothered again to give away my parking space.
The lovely meditation came to an end, and I felt I did not want to be home, I would be climbing the walls. I called a friend, no answer. I texted my nephew, how lucky he was at home. I calmed down as we spoke about website projects. He even made my logo out of the blue! And here I am starting the Blog once and for all, it felt easier than starting to vlog, but that will come sooner or later. If you are angry, release it in a safe way. Find the root of anger. Do not sit around and hope for a miracle.
Speak in a calm manner without accusing.
Here is another story of overcoming anger..